I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
