I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
