if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
