is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
