Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
