Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Redeem this text for a blowjob
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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