A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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