just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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