He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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