i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
