I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
