there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
