I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she woke up with a sticky ear
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
