What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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