Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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