dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
