we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
