Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
