We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
