For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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