i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
