my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
