I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
