Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
