I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
