i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize