I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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