I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
