So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
