Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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