I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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