One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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