Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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