So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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