now i know why i became what i already was.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
