u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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