I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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