I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
