How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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