Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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