69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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