puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
