Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
