i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
