I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
