Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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