I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
