Please, let me fuck your mom
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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