I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
