i always forget guys have bellybuttons
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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