He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize