Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
