I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
