im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
